I’ve been in a writing funk. I finished writing Look to the Sky and felt this huge relief, like I had finally done something that I could be proud of. Then, I pushed myself even further. I let people read it. Family, a few writing friends, Ashley. People have now read the words that I poured my heart and soul into. Let me paint a picture of what I look like while someone is reading my novel:
Pace. Pace some more. Frantic brain pacing happening over here. Function like a normal human being. Do work, clean house, continue writing, pretend that no one is realllllly reading the book. Pace some more. Receive text message and go into panic mode. No matter what person says, take it automatically as negative. Don’t want to get your hopes up. Meet and talk about it. Feel like throwing up, but mentally pace instead.
Yes, this is what it is like to be inside my mind. Scary, huh? But, because this is my dream, my real dream of how I want my future painted, I do it anyways, scary or not. But then, I’m in this weird limbo. It’s like none of the stories that I want to write are good enough. No matter what I try to do, I feel like it isn’t worth my time, that I’m looking at the wrong thing in the wrong way.
I try to remember what it was like when I was eyeball deep in Look to the Sky and I can’t. I just remember the joy of having finished, the love for my characters. I don’t remember the doubts that took over and told me that I wasn’t good enough. That’s definitely what my doubts are saying as I look at Aster, Linnea, and Bryony.
Anyways, all this was to say that this morning I went out in search of a writing pick me up. I’ve been getting up early and not writing at all, and that is a scary place to be, especially when the bed is so warm and I am so tired. So, I went the only place that I actually wanted to go, straight to The Lost Witch, one of my all time favorite writers. And it isn’t just because her stories are amazing and southern and captivating, but because she is a real person. She gets on the book and the Twitter and she talks to people who love her works and she’s inspiring in so many ways and I want to be like her when I grow up because she’s just that inspiring. Anyways, I read her post titled “No, I didn’t sleep with anyone to get published. I don’t think.”
This post was exactly what I needed to read. I’m writing not for the publishing but because the words get trapped and I start to feel like I’m feeling right now, a little trapped and confused. It was just the kind of tough love that I needed to read and I feel like I can do this again. I’m setting some goals, I’m looking at my plot, and I’m going to finish this first draft so that I can make the revisions that Ruth Ann (who is absolutely the best at reading and giving quality feedback that I can use) gave me for Look to the Sky.
I’m writing because these stories are mine and I have to get them out. I’m writing because I can’t imagine a me that isn’t writing. So, scared or not, frustrated or not, I’ll keep tapping away at the keys and hope that it all works out somehow in the end.
Time to get writing.