This morning was a tough writing morning for me. I’m trying to get myself back into the habit of writing every morning, especially in preparation for NaNoWriMo. I didn’t work much on my novel plans, but I did end up doing a bit of journaling. The whole time I was writing in my journal I was thinking things like this isn’t productive writing, I’m supposed to be planning my novel, not bitching, and this serves no purpose.
This journaling became very cathartic in its ability to get my mind moving in the right direction. So I was bitching through the first page and a half. So what? I’m allowed. I think that there are several reasons why I occasionally take writing breaks, but one of them is that I forget how liberating writing can be. I forget how much I need it; how it helps keep me semi-sane.
I’m an all or nothing person. I throw myself into every task that I assign myself, whether it is work related or otherwise. It’s really hard for me to juggle teaching all day, taking care of my small but needy family, and writing. I think I end up taking breaks because I can’t focus the way that I want to.
I can’t wake up at five and write all day long. I can write from 5:00-6:00 am, from 11:00-11:30, and then after school. My after school writing is then interspersed not between students, but between my family and my friends. This isn’t the right amount of time. I want more; I need more time.
So my plan is simple. Write a novel. Get published. Quit my day job and become a full time writer. Simple, except that I can’t seem to devote the time that I want to devote to writing. It’s a slower process because my time is so divided.
My new plan is much better, I think. Write because I love writing. Write novels because I love writing and I want to share the stories that my mind has created. Write because it is the one thing that I am able to say is all mine. Write to share it with others, even if those others aren’t necessarily publishers or agents.
Write for those people who love me and always will, whether I make it in the big bad world of publishing or not. Write for my sanity. If the novel isn’t working and I feel the need to take twenty minutes to write about my day, or my students, or Nathan, or my little sister, or whoever, I can. Because writing is about much more than getting published and making it big time (although that is still my goal), writing is about expressing yourself and having an outlet for creativity.
Most importantly, at this bend in the road, I write to pass on that sense of creativity to my students. I write to share with them that they do have something to say and they need to find a way to say it. I get to be the guide for young writers, and as far as I’m concerned, this life is just right for right now.